Bureau of Demon Affairs CH13
Chapter 13: Food Poisoning
"No, he isn't!" Zhou Xun quickly scooped up the dog, holding him far away from Shen Gongbao to prevent him from leaping up and nipping the Immortal Lord’s backside.
Shen Gongbao, meanwhile, maintained a cryptic smile. He hadn't actually understood what the word "boyfriend" meant, but to avoid losing face in front of the mortals, he struck a poised, knowing pose, pretending he followed every word.
"I’m working part-time as a Divine Envoy, remember? He’s the Immortal Lord I’m supervising."
Zhou Xun’s father hurriedly lowered his badminton racket. Her mother took Ji Xiang from Zhou Xun and retreated to the balcony.
Shen Gongbao’s gaze lingered on the Chihuahua. "What manner of creature is that?"
"It’s a dog."
"Ha! That explains it." Shen Gongbao looked enlightened, his heart suddenly swelling with a sense of divine superiority.
Originally, tonight was meant to be a quiet family birthday dinner, but an uninvited guest had crashed the party. Zhou Xun’s family—including the Chihuahua—were all desperate introverts, whereas Shen Gongbao was a total social marauder. He stormed through the apartment, striking up erratic conversations with her parents and occasionally flashing his fangs at the balcony to provoke Ji Xiang into another round of frantic barking.
Zhou Xun leaned in. "Venerable Lord, aren't you going to eat?"
At the mention of food, he immediately settled down. He pulled out a chair and began to scrutinize the dishes, none of which he recognized.
Tomato brisket, shredded tripe in chili oil, cola chicken wings, spicy hand-pulled chicken, dry-pot cauliflower, and steaming bowls of white rice—plus a cake made with real dairy cream.
Though the food had cooled slightly, the aroma was mouth-watering. Her parents had already eaten, so they busied themselves reheating the brisket and rice. In the meantime, Zhou Xun cut a slice of cake for Shen Gongbao to try.
The moment he used a plastic fork to shove the chocolate cake into his mouth, his pupils dilated.
Zhou Xun froze. Crap. He’s a feline... can he even eat chocolate?
He had never experienced such a sweet, decadent flavor. It melted on his tongue. Accepted. This is very friendly to my taste buds. He took a deep breath. Previously, he had found humans and their realm to be both laughable and loathsome, but after a few more bites, Shen Gongbao suddenly felt that there was nothing in this world that couldn't be forgiven.
Zhou Xun noticed his fondness for sweets and cut him another slice. "Venerable Lord, what did you eat back in the day before you came down to the mortal realm?"
Shen Gongbao reminisced about his favorite delicacies from three thousand years ago. Dragon marrow, phoenix liver, venison haunch. Elephant trunk, bear paw, and peacock gall.
Especially dragon marrow. For years, Shen Gongbao had been the direct superior of the Dragon King of the East Sea; whenever the old dragon came to report on work, Shen’s mouth would practically water at the sight of him.
Zhou Xun’s expression said: You're lucky the endangered species laws weren't around back then.
However, once the fragrant white rice was drenched in tomato brisket gravy, Shen Gongbao declared that modern human food was, in fact, superior.
Shen Gongbao ate in silence, while Zhou Xun’s parents hovered awkwardly, washing fruit and pouring tea. Zhou Xun scrolled through her phone and saw Fang Nan’s engagement announcement on her feed. She looked at Shen Gongbao, then at her parents, and felt a sudden wave of relief. Thank God he came. Otherwise, tonight would have been a non-stop lecture about my own marriage prospects.
She smiled and nudged a dish toward him. "Here, Venerable Lord, try this chicken leg!"
* * *
The meal was a success, but with Shen Gongbao as a permanent attachment, Zhou Xun couldn't stay the night at her parents'. She put two slices of cake in the fridge for them and packed the rest to go.
As she was leaving, her mother whispered, "Which god is he, exactly?"
Shen Gongbao, possessing keen ears, heard this from across the room. He gave a soft cough, signaling Zhou Xun to announce his grand title so he could receive his due mortal reverence.
Zhou Xun hesitated. "The General of the East Sea."
Her mother looked blank. She’d never heard of him.
"It’s... Shen Gongbao."
"Ah?" her mother gasped.
"Oh~" her father added.
Their voices harmonized in a pitch of profound awkwardness. In their minds, Shen Gongbao was a greasy, backstabbing "shit stirrer" and a shadowy clown. They felt even worse now. Heaven help us! Not only is our daughter in a dangerous job, but she’s babysitting the most notorious troublemaker in history! Her father realized he’d put the badminton racket away far too early.
On the drive back, Shen Gongbao was insufferably smug. "Well? Did Ben zuo not provide you with ample 'face' before your kin today?"
Zhou Xun gave a dry laugh. "Oh, absolutely. My family is so much more supportive of my career now!"
* * *
After a good night’s sleep, Zhou Xun was back at her desk by 8:00 AM. She scanned the case summaries. Her department had a meeting at 9:30 AM to discuss a string of bizarre events from the night before.
"A white tiger is missing from the Baihe Zoo? Wait, is this even our jurisdiction?" Zhou Xun turned to Miao Wu, her confusion evident.
"Yes," Miao Wu sighed. "The zoo suspects the tiger has gained the ability to shift into human form. And since it's a tiger, not a housecat, having it loose in the city is a major public safety risk."
Shen Gongbao pricked up his ears.
Zhou Xun continued reading. At midnight, a middle school girl vanished after boarding the last subway train. Not only the girl, but the entire carriage she was in had simply disappeared.
That was beyond eerie. Captain Du and a Pig Demon officer were already on the scene.
Miao Wu, looking at the same file, suddenly snickered. When Tang Na asked why, he whispered, "Hahaha, did you know? On Captain Du Xingwang’s application, he wrote that he had 'the potential of a police dog' and 'Doberman ancestry.' But after he joined, they realized he was actually a Miniature Pinscher! Hahaha!"
Tang Na’s mind immediately conjured an image of a tiny, adorable Min-Pin. She nearly spat out her water.
"Ahem." Zhou Xun cleared her throat, pointing out that several of Captain Du’s sharp-eared teammates were already glaring their way. Tang Na quickly pinched her own thigh to stop laughing.
Miao Wu, however, couldn't contain himself. His laughter spiraled out of control, and suddenly, several long, white cat whiskers sprouted from his cheeks.
"Ah!" Miao Wu looked embarrassed, rubbing his face, but the whiskers refused to retract.
Tang Na’s jaw dropped. Not just whiskers—furry orange ears had popped out of Miao Wu’s hair. She realized why his social media handle was [@Big Ginger with the Best Bod]. He was literally a Ginger Cat.
"What's happening to you?"
Zhou Xun saw Miao Wu’s face twitching as if he’d lost all motor control. Before he could answer, the other demon officers in the room began to panic. Some partially transformed, some started dry-heaving, and others began to shake uncontrollably.
"What is this? Captain Zhou, do you see that?" Tang Na whispered. Her spiritual perception wasn't great, but she could see a faint, turbulent flow of "Spirit Particles" in the air.
Zhou Xun looked around, but as a human, she saw nothing. She turned a suspicious eye toward Shen Gongbao.
"What? Me?" Shen Gongbao looked aggrieved. He hadn't done a thing. However, he could sense the Spirit Particles in the air surging like a violent ocean current. He narrowed his eyes and frowned. He knew a powerhouse had just arrived in the vicinity.
Miao Wu’s body began to shrink rapidly until he was only waist-high. A ginger cat face poked out from his oversized collar. He wailed, "I need a litter box, meow!"
Before he could move, the other demons in the office were hit with a wave of nausea and diarrhea. Transformed or not, they all scrambled for the restrooms. Those who couldn't make it in time simply threw up into the pots of the "Money Trees" decorating the office.
"Oh no! Where is there some dirt?!" Tang Na thought of the flowerbeds outside and rushed to the window, intending to toss Miao Wu out.
Zhou Xun grabbed her. "This is the third floor!"
Unable to hold it any longer, Miao Wu bolted for the bathroom. He started as a bipedal cat-man but eventually dropped to all fours in a desperate sprint. If I have an accident in the office, my career is over!!
The office was in total chaos. Zhou Xun and Tang Na realized it wasn't just their department, the entire Demon Bureau had collapsed into a mess of vomiting and shaking, as if they’d all been hit with mass food poisoning.
Alarm bells rang in Zhou Xun’s head. Had someone poisoned the Bureau? But only the demons were affected.
Just as the thought crossed her mind, Tang Na clutched her stomach. "Oh no... me too..." She grabbed a box of tissues and made a frantic dash for the stalls.
An hour later, the "Golden Mountain" had overflowed. Forget work; there wasn't a single person or demon left standing. Everyone was in line for the toilets. Zhou Xun checked her phone and saw that "Food Poisoning" and "Diarrhea" were trending. The epicenter was their district, but it was sweeping across the entire city.
The only ones unaffected were Zhou Xun and Shen Gongbao.
Just then, Duan Zhiyan initiated a video call. He looked exhausted. "Zhou Xun, I need you and the Immortal Lord’s help."
Seeing Duan Zhiyan, Shen Gongbao made a face and scoffed.
"What happened?" Zhou Xun asked, gesturing to the literal wreckage of her office.
"It’s the Divine Bureau’s fault," Duan sighed. "This morning, a deity broke his seal and descended to the mortal realm. Because he didn't follow the proper 'entry procedures' to seal his power, his presence triggered a Spirit Turbulence. I need you and the Immortal Lord to intervene and convince him to come back."
Zhou Xun pointed to the bold letters on her ID badge. "This is the Demon Bureau. Why am I suddenly the afterlife’s babysitter?"
Duan gave a wry smile. "We want to resolve this peacefully and privately. It’s better if this doesn't become 'official' record."
"Fine. What is this god even doing down here?"
"...Online dating gone wrong."
"..."
Zhou Xun was speechless. Can these immortals go one day without being a disaster? She took a breath. "Does this god know Shen Gongbao?"
Duan nodded and revealed the deity’s name: The Great Emperor of the Plague, Lu Yue.
At the mention of that name, Shen Gongbao’s head recoiled into his shoulders.
Lu Yue—a man of god-like power and the ultimate "shut-in" of the four seas. Naturally introverted and peace-loving, he had been dragged by Shen Gongbao three thousand years ago to harass the Zhou army by spreading plagues, resulting in a massacre of innocents. After his defeat and death, he was deified. He had spent about as much time in the heavenly "prison" as Shen Gongbao.
Logic dictated they should be brothers-in-arms, but there was a slight "misunderstanding" between them. Lu Yue had joined the war for the sake of friendship; Shen Gongbao, the ultimate stirrer of trouble, had done it purely for the scheme.
"I’m not going!" Shen Gongbao broke into a cold sweat, his face a mask of pure refusal.
"No, he isn't!" Zhou Xun quickly scooped up the dog, holding him far away from Shen Gongbao to prevent him from leaping up and nipping the Immortal Lord’s backside.
Shen Gongbao, meanwhile, maintained a cryptic smile. He hadn't actually understood what the word "boyfriend" meant, but to avoid losing face in front of the mortals, he struck a poised, knowing pose, pretending he followed every word.
"I’m working part-time as a Divine Envoy, remember? He’s the Immortal Lord I’m supervising."
Zhou Xun’s father hurriedly lowered his badminton racket. Her mother took Ji Xiang from Zhou Xun and retreated to the balcony.
Shen Gongbao’s gaze lingered on the Chihuahua. "What manner of creature is that?"
"It’s a dog."
"Ha! That explains it." Shen Gongbao looked enlightened, his heart suddenly swelling with a sense of divine superiority.
Originally, tonight was meant to be a quiet family birthday dinner, but an uninvited guest had crashed the party. Zhou Xun’s family—including the Chihuahua—were all desperate introverts, whereas Shen Gongbao was a total social marauder. He stormed through the apartment, striking up erratic conversations with her parents and occasionally flashing his fangs at the balcony to provoke Ji Xiang into another round of frantic barking.
Zhou Xun leaned in. "Venerable Lord, aren't you going to eat?"
At the mention of food, he immediately settled down. He pulled out a chair and began to scrutinize the dishes, none of which he recognized.
Tomato brisket, shredded tripe in chili oil, cola chicken wings, spicy hand-pulled chicken, dry-pot cauliflower, and steaming bowls of white rice—plus a cake made with real dairy cream.
Though the food had cooled slightly, the aroma was mouth-watering. Her parents had already eaten, so they busied themselves reheating the brisket and rice. In the meantime, Zhou Xun cut a slice of cake for Shen Gongbao to try.
The moment he used a plastic fork to shove the chocolate cake into his mouth, his pupils dilated.
Zhou Xun froze. Crap. He’s a feline... can he even eat chocolate?
He had never experienced such a sweet, decadent flavor. It melted on his tongue. Accepted. This is very friendly to my taste buds. He took a deep breath. Previously, he had found humans and their realm to be both laughable and loathsome, but after a few more bites, Shen Gongbao suddenly felt that there was nothing in this world that couldn't be forgiven.
Zhou Xun noticed his fondness for sweets and cut him another slice. "Venerable Lord, what did you eat back in the day before you came down to the mortal realm?"
Shen Gongbao reminisced about his favorite delicacies from three thousand years ago. Dragon marrow, phoenix liver, venison haunch. Elephant trunk, bear paw, and peacock gall.
Especially dragon marrow. For years, Shen Gongbao had been the direct superior of the Dragon King of the East Sea; whenever the old dragon came to report on work, Shen’s mouth would practically water at the sight of him.
Zhou Xun’s expression said: You're lucky the endangered species laws weren't around back then.
However, once the fragrant white rice was drenched in tomato brisket gravy, Shen Gongbao declared that modern human food was, in fact, superior.
Shen Gongbao ate in silence, while Zhou Xun’s parents hovered awkwardly, washing fruit and pouring tea. Zhou Xun scrolled through her phone and saw Fang Nan’s engagement announcement on her feed. She looked at Shen Gongbao, then at her parents, and felt a sudden wave of relief. Thank God he came. Otherwise, tonight would have been a non-stop lecture about my own marriage prospects.
She smiled and nudged a dish toward him. "Here, Venerable Lord, try this chicken leg!"
* * *
The meal was a success, but with Shen Gongbao as a permanent attachment, Zhou Xun couldn't stay the night at her parents'. She put two slices of cake in the fridge for them and packed the rest to go.
As she was leaving, her mother whispered, "Which god is he, exactly?"
Shen Gongbao, possessing keen ears, heard this from across the room. He gave a soft cough, signaling Zhou Xun to announce his grand title so he could receive his due mortal reverence.
Zhou Xun hesitated. "The General of the East Sea."
Her mother looked blank. She’d never heard of him.
"It’s... Shen Gongbao."
"Ah?" her mother gasped.
"Oh~" her father added.
Their voices harmonized in a pitch of profound awkwardness. In their minds, Shen Gongbao was a greasy, backstabbing "shit stirrer" and a shadowy clown. They felt even worse now. Heaven help us! Not only is our daughter in a dangerous job, but she’s babysitting the most notorious troublemaker in history! Her father realized he’d put the badminton racket away far too early.
On the drive back, Shen Gongbao was insufferably smug. "Well? Did Ben zuo not provide you with ample 'face' before your kin today?"
Zhou Xun gave a dry laugh. "Oh, absolutely. My family is so much more supportive of my career now!"
* * *
After a good night’s sleep, Zhou Xun was back at her desk by 8:00 AM. She scanned the case summaries. Her department had a meeting at 9:30 AM to discuss a string of bizarre events from the night before.
"A white tiger is missing from the Baihe Zoo? Wait, is this even our jurisdiction?" Zhou Xun turned to Miao Wu, her confusion evident.
"Yes," Miao Wu sighed. "The zoo suspects the tiger has gained the ability to shift into human form. And since it's a tiger, not a housecat, having it loose in the city is a major public safety risk."
Shen Gongbao pricked up his ears.
Zhou Xun continued reading. At midnight, a middle school girl vanished after boarding the last subway train. Not only the girl, but the entire carriage she was in had simply disappeared.
That was beyond eerie. Captain Du and a Pig Demon officer were already on the scene.
Miao Wu, looking at the same file, suddenly snickered. When Tang Na asked why, he whispered, "Hahaha, did you know? On Captain Du Xingwang’s application, he wrote that he had 'the potential of a police dog' and 'Doberman ancestry.' But after he joined, they realized he was actually a Miniature Pinscher! Hahaha!"
Tang Na’s mind immediately conjured an image of a tiny, adorable Min-Pin. She nearly spat out her water.
"Ahem." Zhou Xun cleared her throat, pointing out that several of Captain Du’s sharp-eared teammates were already glaring their way. Tang Na quickly pinched her own thigh to stop laughing.
Miao Wu, however, couldn't contain himself. His laughter spiraled out of control, and suddenly, several long, white cat whiskers sprouted from his cheeks.
"Ah!" Miao Wu looked embarrassed, rubbing his face, but the whiskers refused to retract.
Tang Na’s jaw dropped. Not just whiskers—furry orange ears had popped out of Miao Wu’s hair. She realized why his social media handle was [@Big Ginger with the Best Bod]. He was literally a Ginger Cat.
"What's happening to you?"
Zhou Xun saw Miao Wu’s face twitching as if he’d lost all motor control. Before he could answer, the other demon officers in the room began to panic. Some partially transformed, some started dry-heaving, and others began to shake uncontrollably.
"What is this? Captain Zhou, do you see that?" Tang Na whispered. Her spiritual perception wasn't great, but she could see a faint, turbulent flow of "Spirit Particles" in the air.
Zhou Xun looked around, but as a human, she saw nothing. She turned a suspicious eye toward Shen Gongbao.
"What? Me?" Shen Gongbao looked aggrieved. He hadn't done a thing. However, he could sense the Spirit Particles in the air surging like a violent ocean current. He narrowed his eyes and frowned. He knew a powerhouse had just arrived in the vicinity.
Miao Wu’s body began to shrink rapidly until he was only waist-high. A ginger cat face poked out from his oversized collar. He wailed, "I need a litter box, meow!"
Before he could move, the other demons in the office were hit with a wave of nausea and diarrhea. Transformed or not, they all scrambled for the restrooms. Those who couldn't make it in time simply threw up into the pots of the "Money Trees" decorating the office.
"Oh no! Where is there some dirt?!" Tang Na thought of the flowerbeds outside and rushed to the window, intending to toss Miao Wu out.
Zhou Xun grabbed her. "This is the third floor!"
Unable to hold it any longer, Miao Wu bolted for the bathroom. He started as a bipedal cat-man but eventually dropped to all fours in a desperate sprint. If I have an accident in the office, my career is over!!
The office was in total chaos. Zhou Xun and Tang Na realized it wasn't just their department, the entire Demon Bureau had collapsed into a mess of vomiting and shaking, as if they’d all been hit with mass food poisoning.
Alarm bells rang in Zhou Xun’s head. Had someone poisoned the Bureau? But only the demons were affected.
Just as the thought crossed her mind, Tang Na clutched her stomach. "Oh no... me too..." She grabbed a box of tissues and made a frantic dash for the stalls.
An hour later, the "Golden Mountain" had overflowed. Forget work; there wasn't a single person or demon left standing. Everyone was in line for the toilets. Zhou Xun checked her phone and saw that "Food Poisoning" and "Diarrhea" were trending. The epicenter was their district, but it was sweeping across the entire city.
The only ones unaffected were Zhou Xun and Shen Gongbao.
Just then, Duan Zhiyan initiated a video call. He looked exhausted. "Zhou Xun, I need you and the Immortal Lord’s help."
Seeing Duan Zhiyan, Shen Gongbao made a face and scoffed.
"What happened?" Zhou Xun asked, gesturing to the literal wreckage of her office.
"It’s the Divine Bureau’s fault," Duan sighed. "This morning, a deity broke his seal and descended to the mortal realm. Because he didn't follow the proper 'entry procedures' to seal his power, his presence triggered a Spirit Turbulence. I need you and the Immortal Lord to intervene and convince him to come back."
Zhou Xun pointed to the bold letters on her ID badge. "This is the Demon Bureau. Why am I suddenly the afterlife’s babysitter?"
Duan gave a wry smile. "We want to resolve this peacefully and privately. It’s better if this doesn't become 'official' record."
"Fine. What is this god even doing down here?"
"...Online dating gone wrong."
"..."
Zhou Xun was speechless. Can these immortals go one day without being a disaster? She took a breath. "Does this god know Shen Gongbao?"
Duan nodded and revealed the deity’s name: The Great Emperor of the Plague, Lu Yue.
At the mention of that name, Shen Gongbao’s head recoiled into his shoulders.
Lu Yue—a man of god-like power and the ultimate "shut-in" of the four seas. Naturally introverted and peace-loving, he had been dragged by Shen Gongbao three thousand years ago to harass the Zhou army by spreading plagues, resulting in a massacre of innocents. After his defeat and death, he was deified. He had spent about as much time in the heavenly "prison" as Shen Gongbao.
Logic dictated they should be brothers-in-arms, but there was a slight "misunderstanding" between them. Lu Yue had joined the war for the sake of friendship; Shen Gongbao, the ultimate stirrer of trouble, had done it purely for the scheme.
"I’m not going!" Shen Gongbao broke into a cold sweat, his face a mask of pure refusal.
Chapter Notes:
- General of the East Sea (东海分水将军): Shen Gongbao’s official title in the celestial hierarchy after his deification.
- Lu Yue (吕岳): A major antagonist in Investiture of the Gods. He is the head of the Ministry of Epidemics.
- i人 vs.社交悍匪: Chinese internet slang for "Introvert" (MBTI 'I' type) vs. "Social Bandit" (someone aggressively extroverted).
- Golden Mountain (屎漫金山): A pun on "Flooding the Golden Mountain Temple" (Shui man jin shan) from the Legend of the White Snake, replaced here with a word for... excrement.
- Dragon Marrow (龙筋): Referencing the story of Nezha, who pulled out the dragon prince's tendon/marrow.
- Min-Pin (迷你杜宾): A small dog that looks like a Doberman but is vastly different in temperament
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