Bureau of Demon Affairs CH10
Chapter 10: A "Head-Turning" Performance
Outside of this specific street, Baihe City had zero nightlife.
After 8:30 PM, various pushcarts and tricycles laden with grilled cold noodles, stinky tofu, stir-fried rice noodles, sizzling squid, and spicy skewers would gradually take their positions at the intersection.
Basking in the spring breeze while perched on a tiny plastic stool, Zhou Xun leaned back and took a bite of her starch sausage, finally feeling the heavy weight of her stress lift—if only for a second.
"Your work at the Bureau is remarkably heavy," Duan Zhiyan remarked, cracking open a bottle of soda and pouring a glass for her.
Zhou Xun nodded vigorously, taking a huge gulp of the orange fizz. High-calorie treats were the only true antidote to pressure and stress. "With humans and demons living together, the Bureau has to handle every little thing," she said. "It's not like your Divine Bureau—all you have to do is wait on those immortals hand and foot."
Duan Zhiyan picked up his cup, giving her the weary smile of a seasoned corporate drone. "To be honest, none of those deities are what you’d call 'low-maintenance.'"
The thought of Shen Gongbao immediately flashed through Zhou Xun’s mind. She gave a bitter laugh. "Right now, I'm managing humans, demons, and immortals. Doesn't that mean I should be getting three salaries?"
Their spicy skewers arrived. As Zhou Xun eagerly bit into a fried mushroom, Duan Zhiyan asked, "If you catch the killer, do you still want to stay at the Demon Bureau?"
"Where else would I go?"
Duan Zhiyan knew exactly why she had insisted on joining the Bureau of Demon Affairs in the first place, but he felt that with her stellar resume, staying there forever would be a waste. These days, everyone was desperate to "land on the shore" of a government job, and a position at the office of Divine Affairs was the kind of prize people fought tooth and nail for.
"If you're interested in joining us, I could put in a word for you."
So that’s it, Zhou Xun thought. The senior is playing the part of a talent scout.
"I see," she said aloud. "So this whole business of supervising the Immortal Lord... that was just a 'Divine Envoy Trial Pass' you handed me?"
"You could say that. How is the experience so far?"
"I think..." Zhou Xun wanted to say she felt like a zookeeper, but she hit the brakes just in time. "I think I don't have the temperament to deal with immortals."
Duan Zhiyan began lecturing her on why everyone wanted into the Bureau of Divine Affairs and why being a Divine Envoy was such a coveted role. There were two types of envoys: those like Duan Zhiyan, who acted as bridges between the human and divine realms, and those who specialized in serving a specific deity. Generally, if one put in enough time and found favor with a god, they might even be granted a lifespan equal to the immortal they served—an infinite blessing.
"Blessing?" Zhou Xun nearly choked on her soda. Considering Shen Gongbao’s personality, it was hard to tell if that was a reward or a curse. "What blessing? That just sounds like never being able to retire. That's a 007 nightmare!"
Duan Zhiyan coughed, he had never heard such a cynical take on eternal life.
Zhou Xun looked around at the busy vendors, the tired office workers, and the students heading home from late-night study sessions. This was the mortal world, full of the "smoke and fire" of everyday life.
"I don't want to live that long," she said. "I think being human is just fine."
Duan Zhiyan looked at her and smiled helplessly. True, since the dawn of the gods, how many could actually handle the weight of divine grace?
Under the dim yellow lights, they sipped their sodas like fine wine. Zhou Xun suddenly asked, "You mentioned I have to write a report on the Immortal Lord in a year. What's the real purpose behind that?"
She suspected that after being locked up for millennia, Shen Gongbao was being treated like a wild animal being rehabilitated before a "release into the wild" program.
Predicting the skepticism in her eyes, Duan Zhiyan explained, "The textbooks only gloss over the history before the Investiture of the Gods. In reality, the General of the East Sea caused an immense amount of trouble. He never got his own hands dirty, but his silver tongue incited relentless slaughter between the two great sects, leaving the mortal world drowning in blood. In an unfortunate twist of irony, the victims of his schemes were all granted godhood after death, so..."
Zhou Xun’s eyes went wide. "So... all the 'unlucky victims' he got killed are now his colleagues?"
Duan Zhiyan suppressed a grin and nodded.
So this Immortal Lord probably has more enemies in heaven than there are stars in the sky!
The two shared a laugh, and the air around the stall turned merry.
* * *
The brief moment of relaxation ended. After saying goodbye to Duan Zhiyan, Zhou Xun returned home. She changed into her pajamas, but as she prepared to lie down, she noticed something odd: the curtains in the Immortal Lord's apartment across the way were wide open, and the lights were blazing. This was highly unusual.
She pressed herself against her window to look over, and the sight nearly stopped her heart.
The living room was a disaster. Chairs and the coffee table were overturned. Most terrifying of all, Shen Gongbao—clad in black—had been decapitated! His head lay several meters away from his body, and a jarring pool of blood stained the floor.
Zhou Xun’s heart skipped a beat and her blood turned to ice. She bolted out the door in her pajamas and slippers.
What happened? Was he murdered? Was it his enemies? How did they find him this quickly inside the Bureau's compound?
Questions raced through her mind. She was overcome with guilt. She had let this happen under her watch. She was the most incompetent Divine Envoy in history.
Panting, she reached his door. Before entering, she forced herself to calm down and scan the "crime scene." Objects were strewn everywhere as if a tornado had ripped through the room. The deity’s head was face down, long hair matted over his features like seaweed. The body lay some distance away, submerged in a tide of blood that made her stomach churn.
But then, Zhou Xun’s eyebrows knit together. If he had truly been beheaded, the blood should be in a spray pattern, likely scattered meters away. This pool consisted mostly of drips, as if it had gathered from a single point directly above.
She knelt and reached out to brush the tangled hair from his face. His eyelashes were long; the bloodstains on his skin looked like plum blossoms on snow. Even in death, he was hauntingly beautiful. His face was ice cold, but at his neck, there was only a faint, wispy black smoke—she couldn't even see the damaged muscle tissue.
Zhou Xun shifted to check the body, and her blood pressure immediately hit the ceiling.
Next to the torso, written clearly in blood, were the words: THE KILLER IS ZHOU XUN.
"What?"
What was this? A frame-up? Who would do this?
Just as she was spiraling into a mental storm of panic, the head with the flowing hair couldn't hold it in anymore. A faint, snickering sound escaped it.
"Pfft!"
"Hahaha... Hahahaha!"
The snicker erupted into a full-blown roar of laughter.
Zhou Xun looked down to see Shen Gongbao’s eyes wide open, tears of mirth leaking out. Across the room, the torso sat up and began pounding the floor in tandem with the head's laughter.
A...prank? Zhou Xun wasn't laughing. She felt like using his head as a soccer ball.
Sensing her rage, the head floated up from the floor. He laughed, "Hahaha! What do you think of ben zuo’s 'Head-Severing Immortality' technique?"
Zhou Xun felt her blood pressure surge so high that static appeared in her vision. She grabbed the sofa armrest to steady herself.
"What's wrong?" Seeing her reaction, Shen Gongbao thought she was about to die of anger. He floated his head closer.
Until five minutes ago, Zhou Xun had a thin "Immortal Filter" over her perception of him—a lingering sense that she should show him some modicum of respect. After this stunt, she had a new understanding. This wasn't an "Immortal" (神仙 Shenxian), he was a complete utter "Nutcase" (神经 Shenjing)!
If this old relic wanted to act like a brat, she was going to treat him like one.
Suddenly, Zhou Xun reached out and grabbed Shen Gongbao’s head by the hair, lifting it like a salted fish. Must admit, she thought, his hair is incredibly well-maintained. So damned soft and silky.
"Mph—what are you doing?" Shen Gongbao’s eyes went wide.
Holding the head, Zhou Xun marched to the window, threw it open, and tossed it out with a clean, athletic flick. Then she slammed the window shut. One smooth motion.
Fine, she thought. From today on, I am officially someone who has beaten up a god.
Outside, the head plummeted like a ball before bouncing back up like a bungee jumper, hovering in mid-air to peer through the glass at Zhou Xun.
"What are you doing? Let me in! You're going to cause a divine casualty!" Shen Gongbao shrieked.
Zhou Xun tilted her chin up, giving him a defiant glare. "I thought you were immortal even without a head. Let's see how long that lasts."
"Let me back in! It's freezing out here!" He actually sounded aggrieved.
Zhou Xun remained stoic and pulled the curtains shut.
Outside, the head bumped against the glass. Inside, the headless body ran around in aimless circles.
After a while, once her anger had cooled, Zhou Xun finally opened the window. The "Crying Cat Meme" head floated back in and reattached itself to the neck.
He rubbed his face, which was chilled to the bone.
Zhou Xun pointed at the mess on the floor. "Clean this up. Yourself."
Shen Gongbao gnashed his teeth, but with a snap of his fingers, the living room returned to its pristine state.
Zhou Xun glared at him again. Yep. I definitely don't like cats.
Divine Envoy my ass, she thought. One year. I just have to survive one more year and then I’m sending this 'Living God' packing!
Translator's Notes:
Outside of this specific street, Baihe City had zero nightlife.
After 8:30 PM, various pushcarts and tricycles laden with grilled cold noodles, stinky tofu, stir-fried rice noodles, sizzling squid, and spicy skewers would gradually take their positions at the intersection.
Basking in the spring breeze while perched on a tiny plastic stool, Zhou Xun leaned back and took a bite of her starch sausage, finally feeling the heavy weight of her stress lift—if only for a second.
"Your work at the Bureau is remarkably heavy," Duan Zhiyan remarked, cracking open a bottle of soda and pouring a glass for her.
Zhou Xun nodded vigorously, taking a huge gulp of the orange fizz. High-calorie treats were the only true antidote to pressure and stress. "With humans and demons living together, the Bureau has to handle every little thing," she said. "It's not like your Divine Bureau—all you have to do is wait on those immortals hand and foot."
Duan Zhiyan picked up his cup, giving her the weary smile of a seasoned corporate drone. "To be honest, none of those deities are what you’d call 'low-maintenance.'"
The thought of Shen Gongbao immediately flashed through Zhou Xun’s mind. She gave a bitter laugh. "Right now, I'm managing humans, demons, and immortals. Doesn't that mean I should be getting three salaries?"
Their spicy skewers arrived. As Zhou Xun eagerly bit into a fried mushroom, Duan Zhiyan asked, "If you catch the killer, do you still want to stay at the Demon Bureau?"
"Where else would I go?"
Duan Zhiyan knew exactly why she had insisted on joining the Bureau of Demon Affairs in the first place, but he felt that with her stellar resume, staying there forever would be a waste. These days, everyone was desperate to "land on the shore" of a government job, and a position at the office of Divine Affairs was the kind of prize people fought tooth and nail for.
"If you're interested in joining us, I could put in a word for you."
So that’s it, Zhou Xun thought. The senior is playing the part of a talent scout.
"I see," she said aloud. "So this whole business of supervising the Immortal Lord... that was just a 'Divine Envoy Trial Pass' you handed me?"
"You could say that. How is the experience so far?"
"I think..." Zhou Xun wanted to say she felt like a zookeeper, but she hit the brakes just in time. "I think I don't have the temperament to deal with immortals."
Duan Zhiyan began lecturing her on why everyone wanted into the Bureau of Divine Affairs and why being a Divine Envoy was such a coveted role. There were two types of envoys: those like Duan Zhiyan, who acted as bridges between the human and divine realms, and those who specialized in serving a specific deity. Generally, if one put in enough time and found favor with a god, they might even be granted a lifespan equal to the immortal they served—an infinite blessing.
"Blessing?" Zhou Xun nearly choked on her soda. Considering Shen Gongbao’s personality, it was hard to tell if that was a reward or a curse. "What blessing? That just sounds like never being able to retire. That's a 007 nightmare!"
Duan Zhiyan coughed, he had never heard such a cynical take on eternal life.
Zhou Xun looked around at the busy vendors, the tired office workers, and the students heading home from late-night study sessions. This was the mortal world, full of the "smoke and fire" of everyday life.
"I don't want to live that long," she said. "I think being human is just fine."
Duan Zhiyan looked at her and smiled helplessly. True, since the dawn of the gods, how many could actually handle the weight of divine grace?
Under the dim yellow lights, they sipped their sodas like fine wine. Zhou Xun suddenly asked, "You mentioned I have to write a report on the Immortal Lord in a year. What's the real purpose behind that?"
She suspected that after being locked up for millennia, Shen Gongbao was being treated like a wild animal being rehabilitated before a "release into the wild" program.
Predicting the skepticism in her eyes, Duan Zhiyan explained, "The textbooks only gloss over the history before the Investiture of the Gods. In reality, the General of the East Sea caused an immense amount of trouble. He never got his own hands dirty, but his silver tongue incited relentless slaughter between the two great sects, leaving the mortal world drowning in blood. In an unfortunate twist of irony, the victims of his schemes were all granted godhood after death, so..."
Zhou Xun’s eyes went wide. "So... all the 'unlucky victims' he got killed are now his colleagues?"
Duan Zhiyan suppressed a grin and nodded.
So this Immortal Lord probably has more enemies in heaven than there are stars in the sky!
The two shared a laugh, and the air around the stall turned merry.
* * *
The brief moment of relaxation ended. After saying goodbye to Duan Zhiyan, Zhou Xun returned home. She changed into her pajamas, but as she prepared to lie down, she noticed something odd: the curtains in the Immortal Lord's apartment across the way were wide open, and the lights were blazing. This was highly unusual.
She pressed herself against her window to look over, and the sight nearly stopped her heart.
The living room was a disaster. Chairs and the coffee table were overturned. Most terrifying of all, Shen Gongbao—clad in black—had been decapitated! His head lay several meters away from his body, and a jarring pool of blood stained the floor.
Zhou Xun’s heart skipped a beat and her blood turned to ice. She bolted out the door in her pajamas and slippers.
What happened? Was he murdered? Was it his enemies? How did they find him this quickly inside the Bureau's compound?
Questions raced through her mind. She was overcome with guilt. She had let this happen under her watch. She was the most incompetent Divine Envoy in history.
Panting, she reached his door. Before entering, she forced herself to calm down and scan the "crime scene." Objects were strewn everywhere as if a tornado had ripped through the room. The deity’s head was face down, long hair matted over his features like seaweed. The body lay some distance away, submerged in a tide of blood that made her stomach churn.
But then, Zhou Xun’s eyebrows knit together. If he had truly been beheaded, the blood should be in a spray pattern, likely scattered meters away. This pool consisted mostly of drips, as if it had gathered from a single point directly above.
She knelt and reached out to brush the tangled hair from his face. His eyelashes were long; the bloodstains on his skin looked like plum blossoms on snow. Even in death, he was hauntingly beautiful. His face was ice cold, but at his neck, there was only a faint, wispy black smoke—she couldn't even see the damaged muscle tissue.
Zhou Xun shifted to check the body, and her blood pressure immediately hit the ceiling.
Next to the torso, written clearly in blood, were the words: THE KILLER IS ZHOU XUN.
"What?"
What was this? A frame-up? Who would do this?
Just as she was spiraling into a mental storm of panic, the head with the flowing hair couldn't hold it in anymore. A faint, snickering sound escaped it.
"Pfft!"
"Hahaha... Hahahaha!"
The snicker erupted into a full-blown roar of laughter.
Zhou Xun looked down to see Shen Gongbao’s eyes wide open, tears of mirth leaking out. Across the room, the torso sat up and began pounding the floor in tandem with the head's laughter.
A...prank? Zhou Xun wasn't laughing. She felt like using his head as a soccer ball.
Sensing her rage, the head floated up from the floor. He laughed, "Hahaha! What do you think of ben zuo’s 'Head-Severing Immortality' technique?"
Zhou Xun felt her blood pressure surge so high that static appeared in her vision. She grabbed the sofa armrest to steady herself.
"What's wrong?" Seeing her reaction, Shen Gongbao thought she was about to die of anger. He floated his head closer.
Until five minutes ago, Zhou Xun had a thin "Immortal Filter" over her perception of him—a lingering sense that she should show him some modicum of respect. After this stunt, she had a new understanding. This wasn't an "Immortal" (神仙 Shenxian), he was a complete utter "Nutcase" (神经 Shenjing)!
If this old relic wanted to act like a brat, she was going to treat him like one.
Suddenly, Zhou Xun reached out and grabbed Shen Gongbao’s head by the hair, lifting it like a salted fish. Must admit, she thought, his hair is incredibly well-maintained. So damned soft and silky.
"Mph—what are you doing?" Shen Gongbao’s eyes went wide.
Holding the head, Zhou Xun marched to the window, threw it open, and tossed it out with a clean, athletic flick. Then she slammed the window shut. One smooth motion.
Fine, she thought. From today on, I am officially someone who has beaten up a god.
Outside, the head plummeted like a ball before bouncing back up like a bungee jumper, hovering in mid-air to peer through the glass at Zhou Xun.
"What are you doing? Let me in! You're going to cause a divine casualty!" Shen Gongbao shrieked.
Zhou Xun tilted her chin up, giving him a defiant glare. "I thought you were immortal even without a head. Let's see how long that lasts."
"Let me back in! It's freezing out here!" He actually sounded aggrieved.
Zhou Xun remained stoic and pulled the curtains shut.
Outside, the head bumped against the glass. Inside, the headless body ran around in aimless circles.
After a while, once her anger had cooled, Zhou Xun finally opened the window. The "Crying Cat Meme" head floated back in and reattached itself to the neck.
He rubbed his face, which was chilled to the bone.
Zhou Xun pointed at the mess on the floor. "Clean this up. Yourself."
Shen Gongbao gnashed his teeth, but with a snap of his fingers, the living room returned to its pristine state.
Zhou Xun glared at him again. Yep. I definitely don't like cats.
Divine Envoy my ass, she thought. One year. I just have to survive one more year and then I’m sending this 'Living God' packing!
Translator's Notes:
- Land on the Shore (上岸): A common Chinese metaphor for successfully passing the civil service exam and getting a stable government job.
- 007: A Chinese slang term for working from 0:00 to 0:00 (24 hours), 7 days a week.
- Head-Severing Immortality (断头不死之术): A reference to Shen Gongbao’s feats in Investiture of the Gods, where he famously challenged Jiang Ziya by cutting off his own head and having it fly around.
- Smoke and Fire (烟火气): A term used to describe the warmth, bustle, and vitality of ordinary, everyday human life.
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